Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Why I Haven't Posted in a While

i've made many excuses in the past, but like always i come around and end saying the same thing over and over - no matter how hard i pretend any other way - i am only a servant to Cock. The beauty, the spendor a Man's Hard Cock pulsing in my hole, the release of His Load inside me, breeding me as His property - there is no greater purpose to me, regardless of how often i speak of it on some blog or pretend in my day to day that i'm just a regular guy with friends and a social life.

Of recent, as i've gotten older, i found the search for the perfect lifestyle impossible. Or, perhaps, improbable. Also, since being back on my medication, not only have i gotten better (back to being undetectable) but i've also gained my weight back. i'm not longer the 150 slimmer boy i was 8 months ago but i am now close to 180 again. 

It's frustrating and something my doctor has said happens when your body recovers so quickly. Since my body was wasting before, it's forgotten how to process calories and so keeps everything instead of burning them... or something like that.

Regardless, i'm back in the swing of things, getting healthier again and trying to relose the weight and get back to a body that i'm comfortable with. i don't want Men to think i'm fat. Or gross. i want them to want o fuck my body - i want them to think of me as something that they can USE and derive pleasure from. And my esteem is lowered when i have a belly. 

It's also diffcult when i see such beautiful, trim, muscle faggots doing exactly what i want to be doing - but they have the body that deserves to serve Cock.

The other thing that's bothere me is that i thought i had finally found them. THE ONE. The SIR who was willing to take in this sex pig and allow him to focus its energies on serving and being the sex slave it has always needed to be.

Instead, it was full of game playing. It's made me... jaded.

i have gone to Slammer a few times, i've served a few tops here and there from sites like BBRT - but i'm also exhausted from getting up early, going to the gym/hiking in order to look better, then getting to work and staying until 7-8p, getting home and just not ready to go online and spend 2-3 hours looking for Cock. 

i'd like to find a Sir who thinks for me - that i can be His brainless, servant - who can just serve Him and not waste my energies on anything else. i want to be in His service. And - if that means serving 20 Cocks in a night, or taking His piss or whatever He desires - then that's what i need. i can't think for myself.

i need direction.

i need ownership.

And - most important - accountability. Someone who's willing to break me from this repetative, bullshit i constantly find myself in. i am willing - if you've seen this blog for all the time i've written it - you know that even though i go into "phases" it's not because i'm not worthy or i'm wanting to play games it's just that i'm just misguided, a wandering slave without discipline, patience, training, or guidance. For too long i've been able to make up my OWN mind - rather than serve the TRUE ONE.

This sex pig is starved not just of Cock but of a Master's hand.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The rise of a slut HUNGER

Regardless of whether or not i cum, i found that the Urge is bi-annual. Looking back on the year, it's at the beginning of spring and the beginning of fall. Usually. March-ish and October-ish.

Outside those times, i serve Cock but not with the sort of hunger, need & that FUCK, I NEED TO BE BRED mood that i have now. Tonight, i blew off an engagement with some friends in order to get fucked. To experience some Man's Cock slip into my wet hole.

It turned out to be a OK night.

A Dom, who we've been playing unavailable tag with for a few months now, continued on that trend and when i was ready to come over at 9:15p as He requested, politely cancelled about 30 minutes before. Not to be deterred, i made my way directly to Slammer. Knowing it might be a slow night.

It was.

The place was practically dead but sometimes, this can be a good thing - as Men are needing to fulfill Their primal Urge to breed some slut's hole and i am there to oblige Them.

By passing the empty blow job alley, i went directly back into the dark room, where i found it to be populated with grazers and lookers... no stroking Cocks, no one needing to be fed.

After a few minutes, squated down, giving Men visual permission to shove Their Shafts into my open mouth, i left. It was then that a chubby Latino passed me, mid-30s and looked at me as if wondering if i would accept His needs.

i did, exposing my rear to Him. He immediately came into the private room i stood beside.

We started by making out. And as i began to fondle His Cock, i was hoping that He wasn't some softy or small twig. He was neither and ended up being an average Uncut. Eventually, after giving Him strokes and fondles, He knew my place and shoved His Cock into my mouth, pushing my body down to fill my mouth.

i took it easily as He face fucked me.

Uncut Cock is always a strange experience, especially when it's leaves a lot of left over foreskin over the tip of the Dick. It's not my favorite sort of Cock, but as always - i take what i am fed.

After a while, He was ready to fuck me and i turned around (having taken a moment to lube my hole, prior to this and while serving Him orally). He shoved it in quick and i YELPED! in that sudden pain i tend to get if the first penetration is too fast. He apologized, and i quickly let Him know i was sorry and told Him He was the first of the night.

i said this so matter of factly, so - casually. He knew i would get fucked by others. Did this turn Him on more? Did He even care? Either way, we fucked, anal/oral for at least a good twenty minutes or so. A long session for a sex club.

There was a moment when it seemed that the scene was over, he was seated, and seemingly still, i was giving Him oral - and it just seemed like time to move on. As i got up - He stood up and pulled my pants down and quickly SHOVED himself inside me. Being open and ready for Cock now, this only felt AMAZING. To be taken. To be FORCED. To be given NO CHOICE.

He had my by the arm - and apart of me wish He was a LITTLE rougher. A little more NO NONSENSE. i wasn't going to leave until He blew His load but i still felt... in control.

After aggressive pulling, pushing anal/oral - He finally jerked off into my hungry open mouth.

i thanked Him and we parted ways.

The second and third Cocks of the night (the last) was just two oral jobs in the dark room. Both of which were tiny Cocks and as one appeared, the other didn't want to share and left. The second Cock didn't seem to want Oral service and sort of left Himself.

i wondered around a bit and saw this (what looked like in the dark) twenty something young kid. In some parts of the shadows, He looked like an old crush from my high school days. i kept imagining that and i watched Him a bit. He seemed to be submissive... or at least a switch but as i watched Him give a Man oral service, i couldn't help see myself in Him and it was kind of cool to watch another slut go at it. Even though, they didn't do much and He didn't seem as hungry/needful as i could be.

This experience, and a moment while with the first guy, where we were kissing face to face, Him seated on the bench and our Cocks rubbing against each other, made me feel a little more... DOMINANT.

As if, maybe i was ready to see if i could get some slut to suck me off.

i went into the barren blow job alley and stood where the Men stand. i started to stroke my little twig and with no success could get myself hard. it was pathethic. my twig, soft, could hide easily in three, maybe four fingers. i wasn't a fucking Dom. Some Sir who would take a sub by the head and shove his dripping hole over my little baby erect twig. It's embarrassing really.

The few times i've topped, i always felt the sub was just being nice. i know what it's like to suck and get fucked by little guys. my twig isn't as small as SOME guys i've gotten fucked by, but it's definitely not as big as the REAL Men that fuck me. The ones who have TAKEN me.

Even this average Guy, that fucked me had a decent "average" Cock, one that made my small, cut twig feel that much more insignificant.

It's these thoughts, this knowlede that i'm inferior that gets me off. That makes me hard. Ironic because i look and jerk off my little twig, feeling inferior - knowing what real Cocks do - what real Cocks need.

my hole is there's - i was designed this way.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Once a Faggot Slut ALWAYS a Slutty Faggot

It's been too long... obviously.

And i've let my blog get away from me. In fact, i thought that maybe i wouldn't even write in this blog at all. i had thought about deleting the whole thing. my whole online persona (did delete my twitter). But, i figured it's not like i'm never going to want Cock again. Or want to get fucked by a gang of Dom men.

Over the past few months, i've had a few encounters.

One was with a really creepy guy who wanted me to roleplay like i was a child. Different ages... 4, 10, 15... he kept shaking and i was for sure going to die. i got out of there as quickly as i could... after getting fucked and mutually jacking off with Him.

Another big Top came to my home (roommate out of town) and fucked me alright, but just couldn't get it up. He did drop a Raw Load in me, so no complaints - but i knew His FULL Cock (which He said was worn out from the previous night) would have been... difficult.

A third encounter was with the Dom Top i had written about a few entries back.

Not sure i put this in there but i did go on a date, a DATE DATE, back in December. It went actually, fairly well, and we ended up going to a sex club after a nice dinner and a fruitless attempt at finding a place to hook up. He had an AMAZING Dick - TRUE thick 8" - no exaggeration, you could say maybe it was a 10" online... And He fucked me raw (against His intentions).

A few weeks later, while i was in FL, He told me how i might have infected Him with something and that He was getting tested. It turns out, it was nothing and i got kind of pissed. We haven't spoken since. 

As fucking slutty as i am - i keep to my doctor and get tested regularly. If i ever feel sick, or unready to have sex, if there's a lump or redness or soreness - or anything OFF - i don't have sex. i've had STDs, and i've been treated for them. Where i stand now, i'm healthy and undetectable. i like where i'm at.

i was in a relationship before it ended up being a big scared of sex, i don't want YOUR disease, kind of thing. And as much as i liked the snuggle and regular stuff - i missed raw, uninhibited sex. And also, i was monogamous. As i believed it was the right thing to do... 

i don't think i could be in one of those again.

So relationships don't feel right to me... being OWNED. Serving... feels right.

And so, finally, tonight - i went to Slammer... it's been so fucking LONG. It was a great decision.

Here are some highlights:

Over all, i serviced 10 cocks.

The first Cock was a semi-hard and moaned when i licked His balls. Another guy stood and watched - and finally when i sort of edged the other guy away the second guy took me into a room. He seemed to recognize me but i'm not sure we played together before. He said i texted Him and that He pissed on me (maybe true?) He just spoke dirty to me and had me use a condom to finger Him, not something i'm into... isn't a Man's hole for shitting? 

Gratefully, He spilled His Load into my mouth and i took it with pride & thank'd Him.

i went back to sucking Cock and sucked off two more Sirs - both of which were HUGE. i really wanted to encourage them into a room but they just left me. Meanwhile a guy walked in and fiddled with my soft, small twig. 

We ended up sucking each other off. 

i always feel so weird getting sucked off. It feels... great! However, i'm just not a top, as much as i sometimes want to be... i'm too self conscience about my size (small) and i'm just not aggressive in my nature. 

i left Him before cumming - and went into the Dark Room. Before i got all the way in, the 6th Cock of the night dragged me into a room. He was an uncut small Cock and after exchanging blow jobs - why was everyone sucking my TWIG! tonight - He fucked me Raw and gave me my 2nd Load of the night after about four pumps.

i went BACK into the Dark Room where i had the most action:

The next three Cocks were all the same - i sucked them til they were hard and then stood up and took their Raw Cock. Each of them may have given me a load but they were silent about it... hard to tell. The third of these Cocks, #9, was with a partner and he egg'd him into given me a Load. i assume He did as He slowed down some but afterwards kept fucking other guys - so not sure if He did or not.

Since my hole is so... absorbant, unless i immediately push it out - i'll never see that Load again. 

There was one more Cock - a big guy, not HUGE but biggest fuck of the night. He ended up wearing a condom which sucked but it was a good FUCK. A rape style, hard fuck. At first i didn't think i could take it but my body gave in to His power... His NEED to BREED.

Afterwards, He was gracious enough to allow me to suck His Load out.

i walked around a bit after that but it was slow for a Friday Night and i decided to go home before i ended up cumming. 

i'm thinking about NOT cumming tonight... but that probably won't happen... i have no self discipline. i am still cruising online... maybe someone will come rape me at my apartment since my roommate's still gone...

One day, someone will find me... online, through this blog, on Recon/BBRT/A4A... and know that they could OWN me. They just have to email me and mean it. Want it - DESERVE it. i want to be owned and used and become a sex pig/slave for someone. 

One day.